I don't know about other cities but being on a New York city bus is like being in a smelly can of sardines, if half the sardines were old grouchy people that run over your feet with their carrying lots 'o crap canvas bag shopping carts and the other half were constantly talking megaphone loud on their cell phones and/or playing unintelligible music without headphones through their shite phone speakers.
For some reason it never matters how many people are enqueue to hop on the bus, none of them feel the back of the bus is somewhere they should go.
Is this because people are having some sort of flashback of pre-1960's trip where segregation kept folks in the back of the bus?
Anytime three people get off of a full bus and you are able to squeeze through you will always find that the back of the bus is not only full of space but there is always a seat or two that is empty.
There is the cart that is going to run over your toes
But it's not only the people that avoid the back, the bus driver seems to forget it exists all together. At least every other stop has someone pushing the door that won't open and having to bark up to the driver BACK DOOR!. You have to hurry too because the driver is ready to pull out before the front door completely closes. I wonder why drivers haven't gotten the hang of the back door. I've watched them do it. The door unlocks with a twist a door lever. If the driver doesn't twist it all the way it only opens the front door and not the back.
Every time you open your office door the back door of a bus opens
Now I have watched many people try to pry the doors apart right before they swing open and even if they wanted to they can't open the door. So why'o why doesn't the driver just twist the handle all the way each time?
Avoid the bus. Get a car, ride a bike, do a Marty McFly and clamp on the back of a car while on your hoverboard but don't get on a bus.
All you are going to get is:
*Urine Soaked Old People
*Cell Phone DJs
*Unreachable Inner Space
*The Back Door Holla
The bonus is when you run for the bus the driver might slam the door in your face. Or better yet when the bus stop is on the corner and the driver closes the door while at a red light they won't open the door to let you on because, well, they already turned the door lever to CLOSE.
Friday, May 30, 2003
I did not come up with these reasons to hate but I thought that they were valid and should be posted here.
( Little Calamity)
Reasons to hate...English
PLAY ON WORDS? There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet nor bread, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? An odd or an end??
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
How is it that people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, across the ages, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
Ponder the preposterous and enjoy the delight!
HOW THE HECK DO YOU SAY THAT WORD? The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind! Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
WHY? Why can't the English language decide how to pronounce the letter combination 'ough'? You know, like tough, thought, through, cough, bough, hiccough, and through.
If the 'gh' in enough is pronounced like an 'f', and the 'o' in women is pronounced like an 'i', and the 'ti' in nation is pronounced like 'sh', then why isn't fish spelled 'G-H-O-T-I'?
If 'GH' stands for 'P' as in 'Hiccough' and if 'OUGH' stands for 'O' as in 'Dough' and if 'PHTH' stands for 'T' as in 'Phthisis' and if 'EIGH' stands for 'A' as in 'Neighbour' and if 'TTE' stands for 'T' as in 'Gazette' and if 'EAU' stands for 'O' as in 'Plateau' then wouldn't the right way to spell 'POTATO' be 'GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU'?
Who decided that live (as in live music) and live (as in being alive) should be spelt the same?
Why don't tomb, comb and bomb sound alike?
If a pronoun is a word used in place of a noun, is a proverb a word used in place of a verb? Furthermore, if progress means improvement and advancement, does congress mean the opposite?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why when I wind up my watch I start it, but when I wind up a project I end it?
Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why do people sit down during the day and sit up late at night? For that matter, why is it that whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Do you find it a bit unnerving doctors call what they do practice?
Why does the word 'sanction' mean both to permit and to prohibit? How are you supposed to know which it is?
Why do we drive on a parkway but park on a driveway?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
Would you rather own a 'genuine imitation' or an 'authentic replica'?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?
Why do caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
Why is it you can walk down a road, even if it goes uphill?
Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
You can be overwhelmed, and you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed? Why not?
How come overtones and undertones are the same thing?
Tuesday, May 20, 2003
Reason to hate...The Subway
Onion People.
Train delays when you are one stop away.
No heat when it's cold outside.
Flamingly hot when it's 100 degrees outside.
People who stand in front of the doors while you are trying to exit.
Conductors that close the doors as soon as you step up to them.
Fat people that sit in the seat next to you even though it's a small space.
Conductors who haven't figured out that they are making everyone deaf everytime they make an anouncement.
People who don't give up their seat for pregnant women and old people.
Vomit on the floor.
A sick passenger that holds up the train for a half an hour.
Getting on the wrong train because they forgot the change the sign on that side of the train that tells you the train name.
Pranksters pulling the emergency brakes.
The fact that is takes fifteen minutes to reset the emergency brake.
Train stations that are boiling hot all year round.
Men who spread their legs wide open while sitting next to you.
Unexplained train delays.
Five crowded trains in a row that you haven't been able to get on.
People that peer over your shoulders as you read your book or paper.
People that peer over your shoulder as you write in your notebook.
Tall people that hold onto the pole barely above your head and keep touching you with the arm.
Bad platform musicians.
Perverts that press against your ass on a semi croweded train.
Women putting on their make-up.
People that knock you down rushing to exit the train.
People that run around you to get ahead on the steps then they slow up.
Friday, May 09, 2003
Reason to hate...Public Libraries
People that smell like they rubbed themselves in onions and dog shit.
Books that say they are checked in but are not on the shelves.
Books that are so old your mom remembers seeing it when she was young and thinking it was old.
People that waste time fighting for a computer when they could actually be on the computer.
Librarians that give you a lot of information that infact is not helpful.
Missing disks.
Lost books.
Late fees.
Bag searches.
Friday, May 02, 2003
Reasons to hate... Rain
Makes you smell like soggy bread.
Ruins a nice summer day when you could be out in the park having a picnic.
Makes you buy an umbrella because it came so unexpected.
Gives you frizzy hair because of the humidity.
Creates mudslides.
Monday, April 28, 2003
Reasons to hate...Pax TV
They made Billy Ray Cyrus a doctor on the show Doc.
"Wholesome" TV fits The Weakest Link into their christian/family oriented programing.
Touched by an Angel is shown five days a week.
Miracle Pets.
They don't have an original comedy show.
The soothing christian program after 1 a.m. that is just mountains, meadows and rivers with some guy quoting passages.
Pax:Feel the spirit
Host of It's a miracle, Richard Thomas has that gross mole.
Shop 'Til You Drop game show.
Reasons to hate... Saturday Night Live
Tina Fey and Jimmy Falon doing the weekend update.
Maya Rudolph doing her imitation of Donatella Versace.
The fact that they remain on the air when they barely get a chuckle out of the audience.
Every cast after the original has been a disapointment.
SNL movie spin offs.
Seeing bad episode reruns on E! and Comedy Central.
Friday, April 25, 2003
Reasons to hate... The French
They don't know the meaning of deoderant.
They speak like they are getting ready to spit in your eye.
They hate us.
Yves St. Laurent.
They surrendered to Adolf Hitler and the German government .
Gerard Depardieu.
Ugly french men are always trying to seduce hot american women.
French men and women only bathe on a weekly basis.
French Poodles.
That ugly french hat, whatever it's called.
French food sucks.
Their food causes diarrhea.
Le Grande Revolution.
The French shrug.
The pout that accompanies the shrug.
They think Jerry Lewis is the king of comedy.
There is no word in the french language for penis. It is called Le sexe.
Reasons to hate... Webcams
They are slow as shit.
People are usually doing the same thing you are doing, staring at their computer screens and talking on the phone.
Naked webcams are rarely free.
Free naked webcams are rarely good.
People are always in the other room and you end up staring at their keyboard, bed or office without them in the frame.
20 sec refresh that takes 2 minutes.
Webcams that are good are always offline.
Webcams that are bad are always offline.
Watching a webcam for over an hour thinking something is going to happen but nothing ever does.
Reasons to hate... Geocities.
Those stupid banners permanantly stuck on my site.
Problems with uploading never seem to be fixed.
If you post Geocities sucks anywhere on your site it won't show up, fucking up the whole structure of that page.
There are a bazillion links to help that are in fact no help at all.
Limited space.
Limited bandwidth.
Even though they go after losers like me that can only afford a free host, they don't cater to them.
